Living with Bipolar and Depression



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During this time, I take a few moments to remember the fallen. The many who have succumbed to the endless pit of darkness, the spiralling vortex of despair, the gloomy realm of melancholy. There are numerous ways of stating the obvious and even more euphemisms to cushion the stark reality of the struggle that some of us face at some point in our lives. On the other hand, “some of us” and “some point” do not really give an indication of the extent of the suffering or withdrawal we are confronted with, nor does it really tell us how often this occurrence takes place.

So, I make a point of remembering those who have not been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel for what it was, nor the hand reaching out to them. Their suffering and sadness weighs heavy on me during this time. It is like chains of bondage that one can never escape from.

I weep for them and I cry for those they have left behind, startled and confused. I do not know many of them, but that is not important. What is important is that I take a few moments every day to hope that they have found peace. If I were a Christian, I would of course condemn their souls to hell (as the Church has taught me to do), but this world is not made up only of black and white. So, I do not pity them, nor do I condemn them or think them weak. To fight against our fundamental genetic programming, that of survival is not easy. It is the most painful and crushing experience any soul being can go through.

I have been lucky that though I have faced darkness so complete that even my senses were fooled, I have found ways of clawing my way back to life.

It is like learning to walk again. Each step is as painful as the next. Each breath feels like it would be your last. Every word squeezes your heart like a vice. And falling seems as inevitable as the sun setting. There is no way to describe to others the agony of losing hope, the very thing that keeps us alive each day. But hope is fragile, like a tightly spun web, glistening in the early morning, before a careless word, action or being annihilates its very existence.

So, I take a moment to remember those who have passed before me. Those who have struggled and lost, the ones who could not be saved. I remember them, because they have helped me understand how fragile life can be and how strong I need to be.

October 10, 2012 at 3:19 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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